8 Bad habits that are sabotaging your mother-daughter relationship
If the mother-daughter relationship is characterized by one or more of the following mother’s behaviors, it can poison the bond between them.
The relationship with our own mother often shapes us the most.
So it is not surprising that it influences our life, the development of our personality the most – for good and for bad.
That means: If the relationship is full of warmth, security, and love, it has a positive effect on us.
If these essential things are lacking, the daughter may suffer.
8 Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Mother-Daughter Relationship
When you do something you’re proud of, especially as a child, you first need to tell mom. In an intact relationship, the mother expresses praise, is proud of her child.
Instead, some mothers are dismissive. They talk little about what the child says or do not even respond to them.
They believe that they deserve no attention and have self-doubts – while deeply yearning for love and affirmation.
The daughters of dismissive mothers believe that their voice does not count, that their opinion is worth nothing.
This feeling is intensified when the child is unable to make a hearing, and the mother never asks about the condition.
This rejection conflicts with the daughter’s natural need to seek (and find) closeness to the mother.
If you’re wondering what are the possible effects of rejection in childhood, please take a look at this article by Rachel Norman – The effects of rejection in childhood
If the mother is too dominant, the daughter does not feel recognized or appreciated. It is not a matter of controlling sleeping or television times.
But the meticulous control of the smallest: what the daughter may and may not say (e.g. to relatives).
How she should behave (e.g. in public). What to choose (for example, when eating).
The reasoning of these mothers is always the same: “It is only for your best.”
Consequence: These daughters lose the ability to make decisions independently, to classify and evaluate situations.
Instead, they are dependent on the decision and opinion of their mothers, become dependent on her and need her leadership.
3. Emotional distance
Mothers who build an emotional distance from their daughters leave scars in their daughters’ souls.
Emotional distance is expressed by a lack of physical closeness (such as hugs, kisses, cuddling), but also by a lack of compassion when the child is crying, for example.
These shortcomings cause the daughters to starve emotionally:
They naturally demand the feelings of their mothers – but they are denied them.
In adulthood, these emotionally unsettled daughters tend to cling to their own relationships and are always looking for emotional confirmation from partners and friends.
There are mothers who do not see the relationship with their daughters as what they are, namely a relationship between two people.
Instead, they live through their daughters, encouraging them to achieve goals, to be successful – as if their two lives, that of the mother and that of the daughter, have become entangled.
The daughter’s feeling of being an independent person and developing an individual self suffers from this.
The feeling of freedom is often not very pronounced with these daughters.
Mothers who make their daughters bad, who are overly critical of them, envy or compete with them, often start or provoke an argument.
The biggest disadvantage for the daughters: The mothers sit on the longer lever – especially as long as the daughters are not yet of age.
The daughters most intensely internalize those words that come from the mouth of their mothers.
This verbal (and therefore emotional) abuse is dangerous because it strongly influences the character development of the daughter.
Most of the time, these mothers think their criticism is necessary – without it actually being.
Often these daughters feel worthless and powerless throughout their lives.
A mother’s unreliability is particularly difficult to master for children.
They never know whether they can rely on the mother or not, or trust her or not.
The same applies to the unpredictability:
If the mother is negative and difficult of the daughter on one day, but courteous and friendly the next day – both for no apparent reason.
This insecurity that the daughter feels can take on enormous proportions. The daughter never learns what to expect, how to behave.
Last but not least, if the daughters cannot find a reason for the unpredictable behavior of the mothers, they blame themselves for this until they feel guilty, if not responsible, for the mothers’ behavior.
This reflex of seeking guilt can solidify in your personality and reappear every time you experience something bad in life.
Egocentric to narcissistic mothers see the children as their accessory – if they notice them at all.
She tries to adapt her daughter to her own life – and for that, she tries to shape her until she fits in without “disturbing.”
This usually only works through manipulation and control.
Narcissists are usually unable to develop empathy.
Instead, they attach great importance to what other people think and say about them; how they affect other people.
The relationship between an egocentric mother and her daughter is only superficial – after all, she is the most important person to herself.
In her eyes, the daughter should only contribute to feeling even better and appearing in a better light.
8. Role reversal
Some mothers, may not be able to cope with their life, have difficulty finding their place in the world, and coping with (everyday) problems.
Her daughters often have to do these tasks at a young age, taking care of the mother.
There is a kind of “role reversal” in which the daughters are responsible for maternal care.
Often this happens when a woman becomes a young mother and has not had “enough time” to find her way in life before she can take responsibility for a child.
The children of such mothers learn to cook for themselves and the mother, do the laundry, clean up the apartment and, if necessary, take care of younger siblings even at primary school age.
Often these overwhelmed mothers are very grateful for the help of their children, they seem to represent a kind of “rock in the surf” – the hold in their (usually turbulent) life.
These daughters feel deprived of their childhood in adulthood.
They had to grow up quickly and act sensibly, assume responsibility, had little time to be just a child, to romp, to play, to do nonsense.
Final Thoughts on Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Mother-Daughter Relationship
Now that you know these 8 toxic habits that can sabotage your mother-daughter relationship. It’s time to take action and strengthen your mother-daughter relationship
If you’re wondering how to strengthen your mother-daughter relationship, please take a look at this article: 10 Ways to Strengthen Your Mother-Daughter Relationship
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Book Recommendation About Toxic Habits That Sabotage Your Mother-Daughter Relationship
- Narcissistic mothers and grown-up daughters by Cecilia Overt
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