Hard facts beyond handicraft tips and children’s recipes. What we should know before we have children. What Women Should Know Before Having Children.
What a baby brings
My friend Joyce was really angry. The reason: she had been a mother for two months.
Joyce had previously managed her successful PR agency and has recently given birth to her daughter. At first she was in a happy mama-high.
And then it happened what happened to many (or, let’s say, almost all) self-employed women to date:
After the time of joy had passed and everyday life had come to an end, she was confronted with everything that a child or better bring a baby …
Because from then on, the statistics, unfortunately, show, the obvious gender gap begins. Then the man pulls through, while the woman falls behind, especially when she has children.
And that doesn’t really get any better, despite expanding childcare places and introducing parental leave…
Joyce raged: “A child turns your life upside down. But why on earth doesn’t anyone tell you – before ??? ”
For one thing, my first thought was that it is almost impossible to put “that” into words. Human multiplication is a wonderful mystery and raises big questions.
Having a child, my friend Grace once said, is the fastest and hardest psychotherapy there is.
On the other hand, the abysses of parenthood actually seem to be a taboo subject that is seldom opened to the public.
It is rather something that only “affected” people secretly share behind closed doors, much like the stories of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Publicly accepted mother topics (after a quick check of the mom pages):
outfits, everything about the after-baby body, healthy recipes that children also like, sexy daddies and handicraft tips, maybe the kindergarten strike.
That was the case and it will always remain that way, I fear right now.
“You have to write about it,” Joyce said to me. You always talk about the whole stomach ache issues. She made steam: “We (we mother-women) have to educate them (that is, not-yet-mother-women)!”
“Then you don’t want any more children,” I objected. “Oh, nonsense!” Said Rizza. “We have to share our knowledge.” “Okay, I’ll write about it – but for your responsibility,” we agreed.
So here is the list, created with the help of a few dedicated and honest mothers who were all young and naive and know what is important.
Warning: I don’t take a leaf from my mouth …
7 Things You Should Know Before Having Kids
1. Love is … finally
I know: it’s unromantic, heretical, radical-feminist or just stupid, but I have to say it, unfortunately: lifelong love is a thing of the past.
Today’s love life mostly goes like this:
We have a few boyfriends, affairs, flirts, and one-night stands and then a relationship, maybe the first marriage, the divorce, then the program from the beginning and then a second or third marriage, and so on.
Even if we have been together for 5 years (above average long), that means in numbers from 23 to 43 – or from 33 to 53 – there is still a lot of life left …
A little unfair: men have an advantage. Old man, the young woman is not only socially accepted, but it also distinguishes the man.
I was always like this, will always stay that way. Madonna and Demi Moore won’t really change that either.
Find yourself a) an old, rich sack or b) a man of whom you can be sure that he has character, that he remains loyal and responsible and will always remain a friend – even if you are separated or love, intimate, the drive is out.
PS: I recommend variant b). PPS: What if it lasts all of your life? Excellent! Lottery win! Write a book and tell the world your secret!
2. Which mother am I – and if so how many?
Helicopter mom, organic mom, career mom, lots of kids mom, early or late-giving mom, single mom, arch-catholic mom … There are many ways to be a mom.
And it is good to know beforehand what type of woman might be … Most of them don’t really think much about the idea. But it makes sense.
Because my experience shows: It goes well when the right dad type joins the special dad type.
There is a wide field between the classic alpha provider males, the “new fathers” and the soft housekeepers, everything can work – if the right combination meets.
In the opposite case, there are always disappointments in the end.
we should not infer from our single woman ego to our mom ego. I’ve seen a lot of wild party mice mutating into whole-blooded mothers.
And one more thing: Rioters, young professionals or disco boys can bring a breath of fresh air into the life of a young woman, but these men are completely unsuitable for families or worse.
Therefore the motto here is: Sex okay, the child no!
3. Gender gap or the compatibility lie
Women can fly to the moon, dive in the deep sea, fight in the jungle, cross the Atlantic and become president of the United States (at least in theory).
And men can knit, vacuum clean, sing children to sleep, cook, carry the garbage down and, in the Brazilian Carnival, barely cover the flag of the samba school (at least in theory) –
But one thing we women cannot (no, I do not mean to be a priest): namely to father a child. Only men can do that.
And the XY chromosomes, in turn, cannot have a child and breastfeed, only we can – or we have to.
And it will remain that way until our extinction of a distant day and that will always shape the world of human history.
Because to raise a child – and this takes a long, long time – we need skills that cannot be reconciled with a great career.
If we want careers, we have to give our children to nannies or have a man to look after them.
Whoever tells you something else is lying. For real! You can’t do both. It is fair if both work and both take care of the children.
But then neither of them makes a career. Which is not bad either.
4. Every third mother earns more than a man!
“It is difficult for most people to accept that a man earns less than his wife. Only 43 percent of women and 37 percent of men can imagine that, according to the Vorwerk family study in 2013.
And yet it is not that rare. In every fourth family, women are now the main earners, and the trend is rising. In both cases, it was about average earners.
As a parent, it’s actually not a bad strategy to always lag a little behind what the other is doing.
Just like in the shared apartment, in the end he always did the dishes, who couldn’t stand the dirt.
Or as I would say: the hardworking always has more Work as the lazy.
5. Act like sisters!
There is a very special place in hell for women who don’t help other women, she always grabs us: this annoying, miserable mare bite. As if we couldn’t help it.
It starts in school: Today’s best friends, but hardly a guy comes along, and we become nasty and mean. As a mother, everything gets worse.
Until now it was all about bitchiness, global alliances are now being closed and the fun is finally over.
What is it about?
About the absolutely most important life support measures that would endanger human survival in the event of violation
(caution: irony), such as breastfeeding versus bottle, crib versus family bed, housewife versus career woman and so on.
What can help? Turn on the mind.
Sometimes difficult for mothers because of their hormones.
But if we find ourselves judging other women/mothers, we need to know one thing:
We are doing it to strengthen our own position and we are mirroring our own insecurity. And there is only one way out of it:
– Learn to trust your intuition: you are going your way, and that’s right! Other ways don’t endanger yours, they are just as right.
– Be benevolent: we all do our best!
– Who should stand by us when we don’t do it ourselves?
– It feels good to strengthen each other. It is better to have someone who is there for you than to be alone.
As simple as that.
6. Know your rights
You should know this and call in doubt, other mothers in front of you have fought for it for a long, long time:
– for example maternity protection law, special protection against dismissal, employment bans, exemptions for examinations and breastfeeding or the laws on parental leave.
– From the state’s point of view, mothers are entitled to child benefit, parental allowance (plus) and maternity allowance, which must be applied for in each case.
– The special protection against dismissal exists from the first day of pregnancy up to four weeks after birth and then often afterward during parental leave.
– This protection ends on the first day after returning to work and at the end of maternity protection or parental leave so that the employee can theoretically be given notice on the 1st working day.
– After returning to work, there is a right to continue an equivalent job, that is, the remuneration, working hours and place of work must be the same.
– There is no longer any maintenance from the father: no man has to take care of you just because you have a child from him.
Up to the age of three, he has to pay you a maintenance allowance, but only if you have no job and have earned well beforehand.
After that, he only has to pay child support, but only if the children are significantly more with you than with him. Every second father pays nothing anyway.
– Take care of the case of separation!
The best thing is to get married and sign a marriage contract, which guarantees you as mother security of supply until you are financially on your own two feet again.
– Also clarify the custody issue, maintenance and the handling model in advance, then the children are well cared for even when they are separated.
And you have clarity, nothing is worse and more expensive than a year-long argument before the youth welfare office and courts about the children.
7. A man is a man. And a woman too …
He takes you out to dinner, does he give you a trip? He has a great apartment and knows what he wants, he’s funny, has lots of ideas.
It’s all fine, but if that’s all you can say positive about the man in your mood right now, that’s not a bad thing, but it doesn’t have much to do with love. So check who binds forever.
I allow myself a little lesson in love:
If there is a tingling in the groin, your heart is pounding, you are nervous and your hands are wet, then that is a crush – or in other words: the desire for intimacy.
It’s fun. It’s like a good movie: Funny and then over. Even if some men say: “But sometimes passion turns into love, Cherie”, that may sound tempting, but it’s a lie.
– Men and women speak a different language, that’s okay, but women should know the code.
For example, if he sends an SMS at night that says, “I’m thinking of you,” it means, ” I want to make love ” If he is lying on the sofa with you,
listening to you and saying: “You are so clever”, then it means: “I want to make love”. When he says “I love you” after three weeks, it means “ I want to make love ”.
– If you know you can call him no matter what time of day, wherever you are and he will help you. When you meet and he is really, really happy to see you.
– If he is empathic: it makes you laugh and can be happy about it. When he gets sad when you feel sad. If he wants to help you if you have problems.
And: If you notice that he wants to kiss you, touch you, hold you in your arms, but wait until you give him a signal …
So please do not mix up. And don’t swap love for making love Is usually a bad deal.
– Time is relative
My life before motherhood:
- Getting up in the morning
- jogging or doing yoga
- breakfast or coffee-to-go,
- maintaining contacts, working on things,
- making plans, writing concepts,
- check e-mails, read something,
- watch a short film and get out in the morning
- meeting people, going out with friends
My life as a mother:
Get up at 6 a.m. quickly, do as much as possible while the child is still sleeping. Around 7:30 a.m. child awake, from there chaos, no more planning possible.
I have no idea why, but being a mother makes you tired. Maybe it should be the case that we are totally mellow.
Learn to change what you can change and accept what you cannot change!
(and to distinguish which category it is …)
A most important tip to all young mothers: screw-down your claims!
Even in the mode of success-oriented work, young mothers often continue to routinely and subconsciously put themselves under great pressure to succeed, according to the motto:
The more I do, the better. You want to be a good mother, do everything for the baby, be there for your partner, look good …
The rule is: less is more.
The calmer and more relaxed I am, the calmer and more relaxed my child/family is.
Sounds easy, but it is not. Inga, therefore, advises to get help for the first time in order to get into the mom flow:
For example, a maternity nurse, household help, babysitter.
A massage can also help, a meeting with friends, a walk.
“It used to be completely normal to have an entire clan around to help. Nowadays you have to create it again. “
Don’t expect anything. If you make one thing clear from the start, you will save yourself a lot of disappointments: Expect nothing! Nothing.
Make it clear to you: 90 percent of life is routine or sleep.
It stays that way, regardless of whether you are rich, committed, smart, beautiful, open and coached.
Routine means doing, even though you have a hundred better ideas.
To smile, even though completely different things are going through your head, but the time is just not right.
To take care of, to put back, to be there, to do .. so: clench your teeth, eyes-to-and-through, lie back and think of England.
The good thing: you get used to it.
And best of all: the remaining ten percent is pure luck. Here you have to be careful not to miss these moments.
They can usually not be planned, but come surprisingly simply over you, for example when your child says for the first time: “Mom, I love you sooo much”. You go crazy. I swear to you!
And in the end, if you are dying (yes, that will happen, I will say it very clearly here on purpose), it will be these moments that make up your life.
So don’t put off. In the end, it’s always about LOVE. Be BRAVE. Otherwise you will regret it. Guaranteed.
So I will say it again at the end: do not wait